“I’ll Never Smile Again”
Listen to this story, “Fixing the Bike”
Allen greeted Julie with, “Where’s your bike? I can only stay half an hour because Mother has some things for me to do at home.”
“It’s in the garage,” Julie answered. “But don’t be in such a big rush. You can come back tomorrow, too, can’t you? At least, say ‘hi’ to me.”
Allen stopped and smiled. It was the first time Julie had seen a genuine smile on his face since Victor had arrived at the beach. “Hello, punkin,” he said. And together they walked out to the garage.
When Allen had located all the parts, silently he assembled the bike. Julie watched him with loving eyes. Here was the same old Allen she had grown to know and love. His hurt face now wore a mask of indifference. But Julie could not be sure it was a mask. She sat down on a lounge chair and watched his hands—those hands that had held hers so many times—now at work.
“Allen,” she finally ventured, “do you still like me?”
He stopped short and looked up at her. Then, with a very sincere look in his misty blue eyes, he said, “Julie, you know I do. I will always be in love with you.”
The unspilled tears welled up in Julie’s eyes. But somehow she held them back. “After all I’ve done?”
“After all you’ve done.” Allen nodded slowly.
But his nod was so mechanical that Julie doubted him. She asked, “Were you really as hurt as all that?”
“Julie,” he said. “I went to the beach expecting to have a lot of fun with you. And we did, I guess, until the Morgans came. Then you were so cold and indifferent—so different from your usual sweet self. But I planned on coming home with you by my side, just like we went down there. Then when I found out you were coming home with Morgans”—he swallowed hard— ”Julie, it was just like an arrow through my heart.”
Now Julie could not keep her tears from falling, and they fell hard. “Oh, Allen!” she cried.
Allen rushed to her side and put a sympathizing arm around her. “Oh, Julie, sweetheart, don’t cry, please don’t cry!”
“But I can’t help it,” she sobbed. “I’ve hurt you and hurt you dreadfully. And I don’t want to hurt you, or Victor—or anybody!”
Allen squeezed her tightly and murmured, “I do love you and you have hurt me—more than you’ll ever realize—but that’s just life. You know,” —and now his tone changed slightly— ”it’s surprising how many old songs come to your mind when something like this happens. ‘When you see your sweetheart in the arms of a friend, that’s when your heartaches begin’,” Allen sang.
“Oh, please, stop!” Julie cried. “Allen, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. Please smile at me, just once more.”
But, looking toward the rays of sunlight now shining through the apricot orchard across the street, he sang again, “‘I’ll never smile again until I smile at you, I’ll never laugh again’—”
“Allen!”
But he went on singing. “‘The tears would fill my eyes; my heart would realize that our romance was through.’”
“Oh, but that’s just an old sentimental love song. Be realistic!”
“How could anything be realistic when you were walking with Victor last night? All I thought was,”—and he kept singing— “‘What good is the moonlight, the silvery moonlight that shines above? I walk with my shadow, I talk with my echo, but where is the one I love?’”
“Please, Allen, be sensible,” Julie tried to reason. “There are lots of other girls—”
“‘There’ll never be anyone else but you for’—” The melody was slightly off key.
“Allen, please stop it!”
“‘If I can’t have you for my own, I’d rather go through life alone.’” Allen just made up a tune for this lyric, as he couldn’t quite remember how it went.
Julie sighed and shook her head.
“Oh, Julie, baby, that may be a bit exaggerated, but don’t you see my point?”
Yes, Julie saw the point all right. But how she wished Allen could see it her way. “Listen, Allen. Just listen to my side. We say we’re in love. All right. We’ve gone together for eight and a half months, and I think we should know each other pretty well. So if we go out with others and still come back to each other, I think that would be the best test if we really are in love.”
“But I don’t want to go out with anyone else but you. It’s my business to make you happy, and if making you happy puts me out of business, that’s the way it has to be. In my mind, I’m not free to go out with other girls.”
“But we’re not going steady!”
“All right,” he said. “So I’m free in my mind to go out with other girls. But I won’t.”
“But if we’re not going steady, why make such a fuss over me walking with Victor?”
“Julie, there are some things—unspoken vows—that aren’t tangible, but a boy and girl feel it in their hearts. True, there was no written agreement, not even a spoken promise, and I didn’t consider it a breach of promise when you walked with him, but…”
“But you still were dreadfully hurt?” she finished.
“But I was still dreadfully hurt,” he echoed.
Julie said no more, but she thought, Allen, someday, someday you’ll see it my way. Julie looked at her watch then looked at Allen.
“What time is it?” he asked, worried.
“What time are you supposed to be home?”
“Six.”
“You’ve got two minutes and 19 seconds.”
Allen gave her a quick hug and a very effective kiss, raced out of the garage, jumped on his own bike, and hurried down the street.
Twenty-four hours passed before Julie saw or talked to Allen again. The Macintoshes were leaving on their vacation at two o’clock the next morning, and Julie knew Allen had to help pack. So she really didn’t expect him to call. But at half-past nine, the phone rang. It was Allen calling to say goodbye.
“Take good care of Victor while I’m gone,” he said.
“Oh, come off it, please,” Julie sighed. “I want you to know one thing here and now before you leave, Allen Macintosh. I never have said I liked Victor better than you.”
“You didn’t have to say so.”
“Listen. If you and I and Victor were five years older and it was the question of a life companion, I’d choose you a thousand to one.”
“But that’s a hypothetical situation, and I don’t like hypothetical situations.”
“I don’t like hypothetical situations, either. But I just want you to know that’s how I feel.” Then in a change of tone, Julie said, “Don’t forget to write now.”
“Oh, I will,” he said. “I mean I’ll write.”
“Okay, you better,” she said, putting a sparkle into her voice to hide the creeping loneliness she was already feeling.
“Sweetheart, I have to go now ’cause we’re leaving pretty early.”
“All right. Goodbye and have fun!”
“Goodbye. And I will!”
The next day or two were unbearably lonely. However, Julie pepped up when she saw Victor at church. He was so nice and so, so sweet. He wasn’t always pointing out her faults and criticizing her occasional illogical thinking like Allen did. Victor had fallen hard for her, she could tell. But she missed Allen, although she didn’t want to admit it. And there was a strange uneasiness down deep inside whenever she saw Victor and talked to him.
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