“Crazy” (Patsy Cline, instrumental)
Listen to this chapter, “Why Men Don’t Write.”
An essay explores the reasons why boyfriends who are away from home may not write to their faithful girlfriends who are waiting for them and their letters. Written when Julie is spending her senior year (1962-63) at the day school, Highview Academy, while Allen is away at San Margo Academy, a boarding school.
It is a well-known fact that, in our day and age, the male specimens of the human race are not as chivalrous as they once were. What fellow would, for example, risk his very life for a trivial request from his ladylove, as did the knights of old? In fact, what percentage of fellows even stands nowadays when a lady enters the room?
Granted, there are a few polite men left in the world. And granted, too, that one can go to extremes. But even the most mannerly of men—the kind that help you on with your coat, open the door for you, hold the drinking fountain, and so forth, when he is with you—transport him to some far-off-distant place and see how often you get a letter. Let him pledge his undying love to you, listen to him promise that he’ll try to write every day but at least twice a week, then kiss him goodbye and wait by your mailbox and count the days.
Don’t be too skeptical at first. It will take a little while for him to find excuses. But he will find them. The most common excuse of all is “too busy,” which may be quite true, especially if he is working. You may reason, I am just as busy as he is and I can find time to write. This may be true. But perhaps he just hasn’t learned to budget his time like you have. Give him a chance. Maybe even make little suggestions on how to save time. And, if he really would like to write, he will appreciate you for it.
Next, or even equally as common, is “Honey, I’m just not any letter-writer.” It tempts you to sigh in disgust and say, “Well, I don’t care how poor your grammar is or how sloppy your handwriting is—at least it’s from you.” Well, go ahead and say it. Just don’t sigh in disgust—smile sweetly and speak softly, and he’ll soon give up that excuse.
A weaker excuse is the old story of unexpectedly running out of stamps, or the government raised the price of stamps. Here you must consider his budget. And the number of friends that he could have borrowed a stamp from. Considering these factors, you can make your decision, which will probably not be too rash—unless he makes it a habit. Then it is your duty to find out what else he spends his money on unnecessarily besides stamps.
Needless to say, the content and length of his letters play an important role. Sometimes a ten-page letter once in two weeks can make up for all those days the mailman disappointed you—and it really isn’t anything to complain about! But a one-page letter every two weeks or less frequent—better start reviewing the contents.
Most men carry their feelings on the surface in letters. But many more do not. It is important to consider the time, place, circumstances, and probable mood when he wrote the letter. If you know him well, this is an important factor to consider—and it helps—when deciding how much stock to put into what he says.
Some men might be unwittingly punishing themselves. He feels he thinks about you too much for his own good, and writing frequent letters doesn’t help. So he will bury himself in some other interest to sort of balance things. Whether this is always good is a matter to be decided when the particular circumstance arises. Whatever it may be, you must handle it with empathy.
A sometimes not easily realized reason is the simple fact that writing and receiving letters just doesn’t mean as much to a fellow as it does to a girl. Some say, “Letters are the staff of life to a girl in love.” And to paraphrase the old familiar proverb, “Letters aren’t everything—but they sure help!”
And, of course, there’s always the foreboding reason that no girl likes to accept. Love cannot grow with a lack of association, be it only the togetherness of postal communication. This simple law along with the all-too-obvious symptom of “letters fewer and farther between” is the basis of many a heartbreak, for neither man nor woman can be isolated for long in one little world.
There is one advantage in it happening like this; that is the fact that “the other woman” and your former loved one are not near enough for you to see them together every day and be tortured with the silent agony that only reminiscent jealousy knows. Instead, it is only your imagined image of her that haunts you far into the night.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule; and one could expostulate perhaps for volumes on the varied circumstances and personalities involved in every case. The brevity of this simple essay has considered only the basic, obviously concluded reasons for the thinking behind the actions pertaining to the letter-writing habits of the male homo sapiens.