Book I. The Quest

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Introduction

Unknown even to herself, Juliana has been preparing for a time in her life that will be drastically different from anything she has ever known before. She becomes painfully aware that some things are changing, irreversibly. The secure comfort of Christian marriage and motherhood is crumbling under her feet.

She struggles to savor the last few weeks of her year of “freedom” that she has had while Denny has been overseas. Part of her intended temporary excursions includes using the modem in her computer. She discovers a whole alternative world of gays and lesbians, a world which she had never known how to access before now. She is at once intrigued and guilt-ridden. She searches within the gay community, first online with the new modem in her computer, and then in real life at a local gay church as she seeks to reconcile her lifelong spirituality with her newly blossoming lesbian identity.

When Denny comes home, Juliana’s worst fears are realized. She struggles desperately to maintain the usual family activities, while continuing to explore the gay community online and offline and becomes acquainted with other wives who are lesbian or bisexual. She sorts out her own feelings and responses, seeking some sort of satisfactory resolution, but fears there are no simple answers. She concludes that her only option is to drop absolutely everything from her life except what is essential to making a husband and children happy. She has determined she has no emotional needs of her own.

But new people and places demand that she face the inevitable unknown, even as she secretly lives a double life. To complicate matters, she falls in love with her straight best friend, Megan, and eventually confides her feelings of attraction to her. Even her best girlfriend does not understand. Still, Juliana must pursue an intangible dream until it becomes a substantial reality.