I hurt inside;
A great big hurt that never
quite goes away.
Sometimes I hardly notice it,
Mostly it is blurry soft,
hidden away,
And I never feel it at all.
But
it is there.
And it stings;
It comes on sharp and deep
and at times nearly
crushes me--
To know that the wound
can never really heal,
that the pain will be there
when the mask is gone.
--2/14/71
Author: Lady J (Page 5 of 5)
Marriage is...
a candlelighted church and white-carpeted aisle;
music and flowers and happy, excited friends;
a soft handclasp;
the magic moment when the two of you alone
are queen and king;
a promise, a kiss, a prayer;
and waving goodbye to the others as you vanish
into a star-studded night...
Marriage is...
cooking your first meal in a two-room apartment;
paying the rent together;
an electricity bill addressed to
"Mr. and Mrs."
...and being able to say good night without
saying goodbye...
Marriage is...
suddenly celebrating your first anniversary and
eating frozen wedding cake;
it is discovering neither of you is as ideal
as the other first thought, but that now you
love each other "in spite of" as well as
"because of";
it is not being able to imagine what it was like
to be single...
Marriage is...
facing a crisis: an illness, a death, a loss;
it is struggling to survive, to hold a home
together despite war and poverty and pain;
it is working together, playing together, laughing
again together;
and finding that romance has been replaced
by a deep, steady trust of mutual
understanding and caring...
Marriage is...
parenthood, a blossoming of yourselves into complete
fulfillment;
it is diapers and 3 a.m. feedings and broken
knickknacks;
it is measles and mumps and chicken pox;
it is watching your very own children run and laugh
and grow until one day they, too, are adults...
Marriage is...
sighing in reminiscence and sweet satisfaction as
you grow old;
a little house in the country where it is just
the two of you alone together once more;
it is placing your knarled hand in his and leaning
a gray head on his stooped shoulder, and gazing
into the sunset;
it is living and dying side by side in happiness
and peace...
--5/24/69
I'm a college girl, they say, sophisticated and
scholarly,
A woman of the world, religiously independent--
Yet, I gaze here through the curtained panes.
The pale gray mist, nightly enveloping
the lighted city, is lifted
Gently by the soft sunbeams that peek
across the campus landscape.
But the invisible barrier separates me still
From my beloved.
The blue-purple hills
That meet the clouds--he is far, far beyond.
He is entranced, lost in the enchantment
Of her spell--she, who has stolen his heart
And dares to keep it.
'Tis in a green valley,
With wild flowers and clear breezes;
They laugh, they work, they sleep,
For she is simple.
He adores her very spirit.
Together they share life's joys, life's secrets.
For many months she has claimed him; she has known
The beat of his heart, the pulse
of his sighs.
His affection, his loyalty,
his devotion he gave
To her, his own pride.
But no more.
He graduates.
Today he leaves her, nothing
Save a rosy memory to torture our blood.
I saw how he looked at her, how she was part
Of him, how every nerve and muscle responds
To her bidding.
You say it's jealousy.
I only know I love him; she has no right
To hold him, to wrench his soul from mine.
When can I laugh in long-awaited tears of fulfillment
And see her give him up, give him back
Into my arms, into my embrace, where
He belongs?
She is no saint, although
Her name reflects it.
Tonight, at last,
He shall be mine!
And then, beyond the purple hills,
She must live without him, without his smile,
Without the touch of his hand, or the sound
Of his voice.
Without the dedicated
Sacrifice, the years of his life
That he has given her.
He's coming home to me! Am I dreaming?
Yet, shall she not retain his loyalty and pride?
Shall she not
Find her spot forever in the heart that he
Would promise to me?
Shall we share eternally
Our minds with unwelcome reminiscence?
I am young as well; my charm lies as a pearl
In a field of diamonds.
She is
A many-sided gem, sparkling and glowing
In his dreams.
Our destiny shall not be left to her.
She, San Pasqual, must relinquish him,
And I will take him, hold him, cherish him--
And love him...
--6/1/64
“Cherish”
I promise thee nothing; thou, who art neither a child nor yet a man. I make no flattering vows to lull thy troubled mind. I swear not to thee alone my affection; my heart is yet young and free. Yet, in moments of quiet solitude, devotion reaches for thy soul. I promise thee not an everlasting rainbow of romance and beauty, now so pleasing to thine eyes; for thine eyes may change. Only thine inner sight can perceive me as I am. I promise thee not unbroken trust in the sweet fleeting words that flow like honey from thy lips and vanish into the night; yet, somehow, I believe that thou truly dost love me. I promise thee no perfect understanding for thy secret ways; man is mortal. Yet, in laughter, my soul rejoiceth with thee; in sorrow, weepeth as thine own. I vow not to call thee my sweetheart, for I want not to hurt thee with deception. Yet, when some unpretentious stranger ask for the name of my lover, it is thy name that I give. I promise thee not love. I cannot promise thee what is not mine to give; I can only refract a ray of divinity. I give thee not my hand; too soon will it be bound. Yet, with whom else will I choose to link my eternal destiny? To thee, a youth of but seventeen, with thy fond dreams and noble ideals, may faith in life itself be thine. May thine heart cherish all the happiness that is due thee. May thy soul be filled, thou that desirest the paradise of love. Yet, I promise thee nothing--only an unwavering faith in thy God. --written at age 16 --10/10/62