“Wind Beneath My Wings”

By Leslie Quinn

I remember the first crush I ever had on another female was when I was three years old. She and her sisters were family friends and members of the Adventist church we attended. She and her sisters often came to visit us and I loved being with her, having her there nearby. I thought about her all the time and wanted her to love me special. I remember pretending she was my mother and spent hours making up pretend stories in which she would be my mom and I could always be with her. I pretended she would rescue me. That my parents were in constant turmoil and their marriage was a sham may have contributed to my need to be rescued. Mostly I just wanted to be held and cuddled by her. To this day I remember her and the comfort that crush on her brought me during one of the terrible periods of my life.

As I grew older, I continued to have crushes on various older girls and women in the church or from school, and sometimes a teacher. I had long blonde hair and the older girls loved to play with my hair. I loved to have them play with my hair, too! In fact, I loved to be held or cuddled by these teenage girls. I liked to sit on their laps, which our small Christian school bus often accommodated. I would feign falling asleep in their arms so I could listen to their conversations and smell their perfumey scents. Sometimes I would slip their scarves or a hanky from their pockets and take it home with me overnight in order to extend the essence of my time with them. I would inhale the sweet scent and go to sleep, pretending to be held in their arms, my own arms clasped firmly around my pillow.

Occasionally I developed a crush on a girl my age, but this usually ended up uncomfortably when I would try to give gifts or flowers to her. It was easier just to have crushes on the older girls or women, as they accepted the gifts I gave them much more gracefully and with a big, comfortable hug.

Then I discovered TV celebrities and had crushes on them. The various female stars I fell for were incorporated into my pretend world, and I made up stories with one or all of the women I cared about. Sometimes I would make up entire families, in which I was the youngest sister, with four or six big sisters. Sometimes I had only one big sister. And sometimes I would pretend that one young woman was my mother. The stories I made up became long epics, and then I had to write them out in order to keep them organized.

During these years, my father and a foster brother had molested me. I am sure my pretend world kept me sane and from splitting into several personalities. In my pretend world, I was rescued from the hurts and pain. I even could divorce my “father” from the family in one of my continuing sagas. It wasn’t until years later, that I actually did divorce myself from my father for real.

When I was in academy, I still wrote stories about women I had crushes on. I tried to have crushes on the boys; but, you know how crushes are—they can’t be forced. I had a couple of dates with one guy, but he was painfully shy; and I was very uncomfortable and would have rather gone on the dates with my girlfriends. It was very awkward to be all dressed up fancy. I developed a rash, as well as knocking over the golden-candled centerpiece at the table where we sat. It was awful, with hot wax running over the linen tablecloth and all!

When I was in college, I fell in love with the woman across the hall from me. She was engaged to be married, and I knew it was hopeless; but I still wanted her. My college years were upsetting and emotionally draining. I was constantly confused by my feelings and felt guilty and depressed all the time. I dated a couple of guys, but it always felt so unnatural and wrong to me. I hated when guys looked at me with desire, or with that lurid look. It felt so dirty. Even when a man would look at me in admiration, I hated it. That all felt so wrong to me.

Yet, my religion and church were telling me that homosexuality was wrong. I was in constant turmoil. I wanted so badly to marry and have a family. I wanted to be normal. But I think somehow I must have sensed that I wasn’t “normal.” I agreed with myself that if I ever found out I was lesbian, I would kill myself. So began many more years of denial. And many more years of crushes on women.

After graduating from nursing school, I fell in love with a woman nine years my senior. This one was different. This one reciprocated my love. We told ourselves we were just sisters and family, because we could not admit we were having a lesbian affair. The problem was, she was married, with kids, and a husband who often cheated on her. She made the first physical advances on me and I followed right along. It was the first time I felt loved and adored in my whole life, the first time I had ever felt beautiful, the first time I felt cherished. I will always be thankful for those feelings. But it was an unhealthy situation, not because it was a lesbian affair, but because she was married.

I finally moved away and began my life in another part of the U.S., still having crushes on other women, still denying I was a lesbian. I couldn’t be a lesbian, because how would it ever fit in with being Adventist? And how would I continue to live, if I was a lesbian, since I had vowed to kill myself?

When I finally started psychotherapy for past sexual abuse, I threw my entire self into it. It was draining and hard work and very depressing having to deal with past abuses. But what a relief now that I look back. I had so much anger inside myself, and it had been spilling out all over my entire life. The therapist I had was a gift from God. I was finally able, with her help and acceptance, to talk about the abuses for the very first time. The anger finally resolved itself, and I began the healing process. However, underneath it all was still the lesbianism.

In therapy, I learned to be true to myself. I had surrounded myself with genuine friends who were very supportive. One friend, an Adventist physician, encouraged me to find out what I could about God and what He had to say about homosexuality, and especially what He had to say to me about it. That’s when I began to know and love God authentically. She gave me the book Servants or Friends? Another Look at God, by Graham Maxwell. I also listened to his taped Sabbath School classes and began my journey, finding out how very much I was loved by God, no matter what. When I learned how different God was from what I had always thought Him to be, I fell in love with God, too! I learned God made us all different and loved the various ways we expressed our love and worshipped Him. I began to see God in a different light. In fact, I began relating to the female part of God. She became Amah God to me from then on!

This close connection I felt with Amah, and the love and acceptance I felt from God, allowed me to look at my life truthfully and not run away to kill myself when I realized I was a lesbian. And when I developed a crush on an openly gay woman at work, I realized I could no longer deny who I was. But before therapy and before finding out who God really was, I could never have addressed this issue in my life in a healthful way. The lesbian woman at work was the one who told me about SDA Kinship International. For me, it was the most wonderful thing to find out there were others just like me out there! God had brought me to this place!

However, I still had a way to go and much studying to do, until I could finally allow myself to be both Christian and lesbian and know it was okay with my God. But that is where I am right now. I know in my heart and am convinced that I am accepted and loved by God. I now believe in the hope of salvation that Jesus promised each one of us.

Before my mother passed away, we used to talk about what we each believed about God’s stand on homosexuality, or rather, what she knew the Adventist stand on homosexuality to be, while I would tell her what I knew in my heart God’s stand to be. She would quote me things from the Review, like “It is okay to be a homosexual, but not live the lifestyle of one.” I had a lot of trouble with this, because if God made us to be sexual people and God made me a lesbian, why would any God do that to someone? Make her a lesbian, but say she can’t ever have the love or expression of that love in this life? No God I knew would ever do something like that to someone S/he claimed to love.

For me, the word of God needed to make sense; and it had to reveal what God’s character was like. I could not believe in something just because a church or religion believes it. That would be too much like being a servant. My God wanted me to be a friend, and wanted me to understand things clearly, not just do something because S/he arbitrarily said so! The Adventist church did not make sense to me in their beliefs about homosexuality, because I could not see this God in my life doing such a thing to me! And who in their right mind wanted to be gay or lesbian in the first place? How could it be a choice, as the church wanted everyone to believe? Who would ever choose to live as an outcast, a scorned member of society, church and family?

My mom didn’t have the answers to give me; she was too much a servant of God and of the Adventist church. And I could not go that route now that I knew God differently. We never settled anything between us about homosexuality before she died, but I know she loved me dearly, and I loved her as well. I look forward to talking with her in Heaven someday, having her meet the partner I met after her death, and sitting at Jesus’ feet while He explains all these mysteries to us once and for all time!

I met my partner on KinNet, much to my surprise! We just seemed to click in writing and we had a lot of things in common. Before we met in person, she was the one who introduced me to the music of Marsha Stevens, the lesbian who sings gospel music for lesbians and gays. But the most memorable time for me was when my new friend wanted me to “listen” to Marsha’s music with her over the internet. We were 2,000 miles apart, but she would adjust her CD to the same song my tape was playing so that we were experiencing those wonderful words and music of God’s love together over the internet! It was a very spiritual thing for us, and I was blessed that night by falling in love with my partner and re-falling in love with God. What a validating effect on me to hear a Christian lesbian sing about her love for God! It was the music that validated me as a person who God loved no matter what or who I am! And it gave me rainbows of promise to continue on, no longer in the shadows of guilt or confusion, but walking in God’s light!

Leslie Quinn is a pseudonym.