“Relaxing Ballad”

By Naveen Jonathan

Coming out as a gay man has affected me in many ways. I think the process has helped me to stand up and be who I am. When I first discovered I was gay, in elementary school, I wanted to hide this part of myself and be someone who I was not. In high school, I began realizing that this would not be much good, and that I had to figure things out. I went through severe periods of being moody, depressed, and, yes, even suicidal. I thank God I did not go in that direction. I prayed, fasted, bargained, and pleaded that God would take this away from me and help me so that I would not be attracted to men anymore. However, nothing seemed to work.

I remember that one day I decided enough was enough; I needed to figure this out. I needed to know whether it was okay for me to be gay or not. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to have a family. However, I needed to know God was going to be okay with who I was. If He was not okay with this, I knew I would still always be gay, but I would probably be celibate. So I read and studied, taking all the references in the Bible to homosexuality and comparing them to Biblical history books, and comparing the verses in concordances and other Biblical reference books. I even enlisted the help of one of my professors from Columbia Union College to help me look at what the exact words were in the original languages before they were translated to English. I clearly remember the day when I was 19 and concluded that, no matter what, God loved me; and I could not see any reason for me not to be who I am. After coming to this realization, I remember thinking, “Wow, I just came out to God and to myself!” It was quite the liberating experience!

Through this entire time, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I realized that both my faith and my relationship with God had grown through this process. I realized that, during this journey, my faith in God had grown strong. Sure, I wavered; but, mostly, my relationship with God had taken off. I realized that, by being in the closet and not being who I am, I was not achieving my potential in the awesome relationship I could have with my Creator. I realized that all those clouds of doubt, depression, anger, and sadness were standing in the way. After coming out, my relationship with God grew stronger and stronger. I praise Him for where He has brought me and where I have come. I know that if He could see me through then, He can see me through anything. So, as painful as this experience was, I am glad that the result was something so wonderful.

Coming out has also helped me break out of negative patterns that were present in my family of origin. Many members of my family live by rigid rules and expectations that they think their culture, religion, and tradition dictate for them. Often these rules and expectations get passed down from one generation to the next. This is common on my father’s side of the family (which is the Adventist side) and not my mother’s side (which is the Episcopalian side). Throughout the years, I’ve seen how my dad’s side of the family lives for the name and the status. So you had to never talk about your problems and always try to look like the upstanding citizen in the public eye. You also had to have a respectable job, marriage, and family.

I broke out of that mold completely by first deciding to be a Marriage & Family Therapist; and, two, by coming out as being gay. Indian families do not go to therapy; and so for me to become a therapist went beyond anyone’s comprehension. Also, the idea of an Indian man being gay goes beyond anyone’s comprehension, as the culture teaches you from birth that you will marry and have children to pass on the family name.

So, my family did not know what to do with me; and this led to many problems. I think most of us can say that we know what happens to those who differ from us—they are often ostracized and cut off from those who perceive that they are normal. This has been one of the most painful things for me because, as an Indian man, even though I was brought up in America, I was taught to live in an enmeshed family system. I felt like I was going against who I was culturally.

However, despite the pain and the “cut-offs” from various family members, I have to say that I do not regret my actions. I am proud of and thankful for the spirit that God has given me so that I can stand up and be different. Even now I have family members who complain that they cannot be who they want to be and do what they want to do in their lives; and they call me strong. I don’t view myself as a braggart for making these comments. I felt God has called me to be who I am, and I am okay being someone who is “out of the norm.”

Naveen Jonathan, PhD, Marriage & Family Therapist, was a doctoral student living in southern California at the time of this writing.