“My Sweet Lady” (John Denver)

By Misty Gardner

It began as a simple friendship. When I met Rose at the Deaf Club in one summer, she was on the verge of separating from her husband. She had four small children. Although I had never been married, and certainly was not a mother, I felt an empathy with her. I understood what it was like to be “used” by a man. I had known abuses that I never wanted to think about again, much less talk about. Plus, Rose was hard of hearing, and I am deaf.

I was born and raised as a Catholic and went to a Catholic Residential School for the Deaf. I had never really understood the Catholicism, just that I had to do what I was told and was taught to live with it. I had lost interest in the Catholic Church in my very early twenties. By then a friend invited me to a Protestant church, and I had realized that something there seemed more right to me than the Catholic Church.

I remembered how I had always been a tomboy. I had always felt an attraction to women, but I certainly denied being lesbian. In fact, even when I was in my early twenties, I did not yet know the realities of being lesbian.

During that time, I had a lot of affairs with men, many of which lasted only two hours. Once I was raped in a way that I never knew could exist and I was angry at it having happened, but I felt ashamed and stupid for allowing myself to be a victim. I had indulged in a lot of fantasies about women, but I would never have dreamed of coming out to another woman in real life.

After my mother’s death, I abstained from all sex with men for a year until one last time shortly before I met Rose. She had kicked her husband out. Just a few days later, she approached me and seduced me. I was scared to death, but I wanted more than anything else to have this affair with her. Of course, I did not refuse, and it all felt so good. I was going through some intense emotional feelings because of the one-year anniversary of my mother’s death.

Rose and I lived together in New England when I quit my job and went to Gallaudet University. I did not expect that Rose would go with me, but she did. Rose and I and her four children moved to the Washington area. Two months after the move, my father passed away on the day just before our fourth anniversary.

The following Thanksgiving, I was hospitalized for an asthma attack. Our relationship had gradually begun to fall apart, but we stayed with each other for two more years. To salvage the relationship, as well to deal with the many additional stresses in my life since moving to attend Gallaudet, I went for counseling.

Again, in April of that following semester, I had another serious asthma attack. My doctor had already warned me three times during the preceding week, that I should not wait so long before coming in to the E.R. for needed treatment. During that attack, I had a very frightening vision that seriously affected my thinking about my own life. While the E.R. staff was saving my life, I saw two angels, a black one and a white one, fighting nastily with each other to take my life. When I woke up from unconsciousness, I was glad that I was alive; because I was not ready for whatever the black angel would have taken me to.

I thought about that vision, which stayed with me daily, whenever I would have problems with Rose. Is it the relationship? Is it the schooling? Why was the white angel so kind enough to let me live?!

Rose was falling in love with another woman. She cheated on me. After the breakup, I tried going to MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) for a year, hoping to figure out what that vision meant to me. I thought about it and decided that my lesbian life was wrong, and that it was time for me to get out gradually. That vision was still hanging around, and I was trying so hard to figure out why it was still in my mind. I was still wondering what the black and white angels might symbolize.

When I got a new job at the local phone company, I developed a new interest and fell for Lula. Lula was not gay; she was a Baptist. I was still honestly searching for understanding about God, because of that vision that was still really bothering me. And so I became a Baptist. But I was not satisfied with everything I learned from the Baptist church. I was never comfortable with all that talk of going to hell. However, I stopped my “gay lifestyle,” shunning it completely.

Around four years later, I became interested in vegetarianism because of my asthma problem. In February, I received a flyer invitation from the Silver Spring SDA deaf group to attend a four-session vegetarian cooking class. Well, I “knew” that Adventism was just a cult thing, from what I had been told, but I figured I would just ignore the church beliefs and go for the vegetarian classes.

At the first class I was shocked to see Penny, an old classmate of mine from Gallaudet. She faintly remembered that I was “gay” back then when we used to hang around gays. She was not gay, but she hung around with them because she was involved with drugs. I was never involved with drugs, but I enjoyed being with Penny. Now she was the wife of Roger Mitchell, the new deaf pastor-in-training.

During the vegetarian classes, I became interested in finding out more about the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Immediately I accepted an invitation to attend the Revelation Seminar, and I learned so much more about the Bible than I had while I was a Baptist. It took me eight months of trying to figure out what was right, comparing the Baptist church and the Adventist church; and I prayed a lot about it. Eventually I became convinced about the Sabbath and the state of the dead; it made so much sense to me. I knew Adventism was right. So, by November, I was baptized and became a Seventh-day Adventist. Roger and Penny were the only ones who knew that I had lived as a lesbian before.

One time during the ensuing years I was reading through the Adventist Review and saw an article about SDA Kinship. I was really shocked, but I denied myself the right to think about it. More than a decade passed.

About ten years later, during a time of depression I was going through, out of the clear blue I emailed an old lesbian friend I had known in Massachusetts. We had not talked for years. I found Bobbie Jo’s email address in a note that someone else had forwarded me, so I tried it. She was happy to be in contact with me again, and I with her.

Then Bobbie Jo asked me, “Are you really happy now?” I did not reply to her question, but it made me do a lot of thinking about myself—and I had to admit that I was not happy.

One day in October, I was pacing around all day and praying over all my repressed emotional feelings. I confessed to myself: I still love women. I cannot reject that. I could get that much out to myself. Still, I was too frightened to really come out. Again and again I prayed and did a lot of soul searching about my true inner identity. Only then did I realize I was actually hurting my identity by hiding my true feelings. After I finally completely admitted my lesbianism to myself, I felt inner peace at last.

I continued to explore the internet looking for Christian gay/lesbian groups, and eventually I found SDA Kinship International. At last! Here was someone—lots of them—who were Adventist gays and lesbians. I wanted so badly to talk with and listen to them online. Before I officially joined KinNet, a type of listserv, I was a “lurker” for about two weeks. Then I realized I truly had wasted all my years of not being true to myself, and it was a joy to know that there are Adventist lesbians and gays out there. Eventually, I decided to actually join and become part of the group. It took me a month to come out to them. When I did, this was the greatest joy I had had in a very long time.

Millie Strong was the first one who responded to me the very next day after I joined KinNet, and she soon became a wonderful friend to me. We emailed a lot for three weeks before I got up enough courage to meet her in person, though she lived in my local vicinity. The following weekend she took me to the local Kinship Christmas potluck. From that point on, I felt very comfortable about myself as a lesbian.

I now understand what my scary vision back in the E.R. was all about. The wondering is all over now. As I look back on it, I realize it was about God’s love for me. God gave me the privilege to live again so that I could look up and know that the Lord is there for me, and for all of us, with the true meaning of love. I truly believe that vision was part of what led me to the Adventist church and back to my true identity. I fully accept myself now as truly lesbian even though I have been so alone. This is my last church! Even though I visited several other GLBT churches, I will always “keep the faith” that I believe is correct. I also know that God loves me just as I am.

Misty Gardner is a pseudonym.